When I was pregnant with my daughter I was so overcome with emotion. I would stare at my belly in wonder and think "WOW" how truly amazing is it that this little human life is growing inside of me. I wanted to do all the right things as most first times moms do. Of course I read "What to Expect when Your Expecting". I got plenty of rest and did all the "right" things.
I often was on Babycenter.com almost every day. I loved reading about what was going on inside my belly. I always asked a million questions at every doctors appt. I had gotten a phone call from my OBGYN one day saying one of my test came back showing a high risk for Downs Syndrome. I was devastated they sent me for genetic counseling and I was told the only way to know for sure was to do an Amniocentesis.
I was not sure what to do. The thing I knew for sure was I loved her already and whatever the outcome was going to be this was my child. I chose not to do the Amnio. I had another important decision to make I could either enjoy being pregnant or I could be fearful for the next four months. I prayed which helped me to push my fears aside. I truly did enjoy being pregnant and the minute she was born I knew she was fine. I just looked her and felt it in my soul.
So there I was pregnant again not so long after and I refuse to have the blood work that showed high risk for Downs Syndrome with my daughter. I just figured why go through that again. All of my sonograms were normal so I was feeling good about everything. He was born and like I have said before I knew something was "off". I am thankful every day I could recognize it so early on.
My hopes in sharing all my life "stories" is to help someone who may be wondering the same things I was. What I know for sure is that "Time is of the Essence" with starting intervention with children who need help. It is scientifically proven that the brain can be changed from 0-5 years old. This is why Early Intervention is essential in helping our children to succeed.
My daughter was in preschool and I would go to drop her off and pick her up. I would see the other parents with their children too. There was this little boy in my daughter class that I was drawn too. I went home that day wondering about him why couldn't I stop thinking about him. I went the next day and saw him again I stopped and before I knew it I was in a daze staring at him and his Mom. I couldn't help myself in that moment I realized what it was, he reminded me of my son. He was clearly stimming. He had little speech and was so anxious and over whelmed about school. The mom caught my stare and started making excuses for him. I wanted to cry. I felt her pain and knew all the thoughts that were running through her head. She looked over at my daughter and said "Wow, she is great she talks so much. I think my son has a speech delay." I was floored ... I thought for sure she must have known. I went home consumed with thoughts of her and her son. I wanted to tell her something but how could I. Seriously, who the hell did I think I was wanting to tell this woman that her child was probably on the spectrum. I decided to approach the teacher. I had already shared with her that my son had Autism so maybe she would help out. I started by saying I noticed that so and so has some behaviors that may indicate he is on the spectrum. She looked at me like I know but why are you telling me. She told me its not really her place to say anything. I left there feeling frustrated and completely unsure of what to do. I never told the mom what I thought but I did share with her that my son was on the spectrum and I could refer her to a great speech therapist. I still find myself thinking of them.
I often wonder why some people have their "eyes wide open" and others not so much. I get not wanting to admit that there may be something "wrong" with your child. However, I know from experience the only thing denial is doing is not getting your child the help they need. Our children are born into our care. I define that as meaning it is my responsibility to do everything that I possibly can to ensure my children grow up with the self confidence that will get through any situation. If you have questions or doubts whirling around in your thoughts...NOW is the time to act on it. If you are not getting the answers that speak to your concerns don't stop until you have them. We are blessed right now with having access to many resources that can help our children. I understand the fear and anger that comes with acceptance. I felt I had no time for that. I had to push through the fear of diagnosis and help my child. I had to jump in with my "Eyes Wide Open" and put my trust in God that all would be okay. I am hoping that what I am sharing will help families to move forward. This is intended for all areas of our lives that need to be forwarded...JUMP IN!!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Hindsight is 20/20
Thinking about where I am right now in my life makes me reflect back to where I came from. It took me while to really understand what it was that I wanted to do with my life. I knew I loved kids and would be great at working with them but wasn't finished with my degree so in the process I became a teacher's assistant. My first year working I was placed in a general education setting and I LOVED it. It was the end of the school year and we found out that started the following school year we would be getting two special education classes.
It was a small school and this was back in the late 90's so this was the first time that special ed children would be in our building. It didn't really phase me until the administrators approached me and said they wanted to assist the teacher in a special ed class. I didn't tell them but I was scared. I never really had to deal with what I thought at the time to be "special ed kids" I had this picture in my head. To be honest I was stereotyping them in this little box...What would they look like, how would they behave, did I really have what it would take to help them..This is just a sample of what went through my thoughts.
The first day back to school I was so nervous...and here they all came off the bus. They were adorable!! Little kindergartners with there brand new backpacks that were bigger than their little bodies. Holding on tight to there lunch boxes looking up at me for that look that everything was going to be alright. It was right there in that moment I knew this is where I was suppose to be. I knew these kids needed me and I was about to learn a lot of valuable things that my future self would one day need. The first few months were difficult I had to learn how to "fix" myself not them. I had adjust the way I did things so they would connect to what I wanted them to learn. I had plenty of moments of frustration but I had to learn to work through them. These children were counting on us more so than the average student. I worked with great teachers and together we made magic happen. I loved going to work. We had fun and the kids flourished because they could feel how much we loved them and wanted them to learn. Little did I know those years working with in special education setting was going to support me in where my life is now.
I often think, what if I said "no" when the administrators asked me to work with special education classes. I know things would probably be different with my son. I am so thankful that I put my trust in God and went forward with that. I believe with all my heart that there are no coincidences. My journey with special needs started back in the 90's and came full circle when my son was born in 2008.
We all have those moments in our life when we are thinking why is this happening to me. I thought that many many times. I definitely thought that when I was asked to work in special ed all those years ago but I thank God I jumped in and saw the beauty in each child I worked with. I learned how to work with each child in a unique way that they would connect to. I learned all the skills that I now use with both my kids on an everyday basis. Life is journey and sometimes the path we are on right now may not seem ideal or what we pictured. I have learned to stop and and understand the moments. Why am I here? What am I learning? What does this say about me and how can this make me a better person.
I don't know if those years working with special needs kids made me see the signs so early with my son. I do know that I am trusting my journey that God has laid out for me. I am doing my best to see the lesson to be learned in each day.
It was a small school and this was back in the late 90's so this was the first time that special ed children would be in our building. It didn't really phase me until the administrators approached me and said they wanted to assist the teacher in a special ed class. I didn't tell them but I was scared. I never really had to deal with what I thought at the time to be "special ed kids" I had this picture in my head. To be honest I was stereotyping them in this little box...What would they look like, how would they behave, did I really have what it would take to help them..This is just a sample of what went through my thoughts.
The first day back to school I was so nervous...and here they all came off the bus. They were adorable!! Little kindergartners with there brand new backpacks that were bigger than their little bodies. Holding on tight to there lunch boxes looking up at me for that look that everything was going to be alright. It was right there in that moment I knew this is where I was suppose to be. I knew these kids needed me and I was about to learn a lot of valuable things that my future self would one day need. The first few months were difficult I had to learn how to "fix" myself not them. I had adjust the way I did things so they would connect to what I wanted them to learn. I had plenty of moments of frustration but I had to learn to work through them. These children were counting on us more so than the average student. I worked with great teachers and together we made magic happen. I loved going to work. We had fun and the kids flourished because they could feel how much we loved them and wanted them to learn. Little did I know those years working with in special education setting was going to support me in where my life is now.
I often think, what if I said "no" when the administrators asked me to work with special education classes. I know things would probably be different with my son. I am so thankful that I put my trust in God and went forward with that. I believe with all my heart that there are no coincidences. My journey with special needs started back in the 90's and came full circle when my son was born in 2008.
We all have those moments in our life when we are thinking why is this happening to me. I thought that many many times. I definitely thought that when I was asked to work in special ed all those years ago but I thank God I jumped in and saw the beauty in each child I worked with. I learned how to work with each child in a unique way that they would connect to. I learned all the skills that I now use with both my kids on an everyday basis. Life is journey and sometimes the path we are on right now may not seem ideal or what we pictured. I have learned to stop and and understand the moments. Why am I here? What am I learning? What does this say about me and how can this make me a better person.
I don't know if those years working with special needs kids made me see the signs so early with my son. I do know that I am trusting my journey that God has laid out for me. I am doing my best to see the lesson to be learned in each day.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Siblings
My daughter was only 4 months old when I found out I pregnant with my son. I barely had enough time to adjust to motherhood and I found out I was having another. As my daughter watched my belly grow I would tell her that's your brother growing inside there. I knew she had no clue what was really coming but she smiled and patted my belly. She was 13 months old when I brought him home. I laid him in his cradle she walked over took one looked at him and screamed. I laughed inside it already began the sibling bond of I love you, I hate you...I couldn't imagine my life without you.
Having an older brother myself I know the feeling. We had many trials and tribulations in our life. We laughed and cried. We fought and celebrated. We had our own language that no one understood except the two of us. He often tortured me as older brothers do and I often got on his nerves as little sisters do. My brother is one of the best parts of my life.
Now here I am a mother of two beautiful children of my own. I never understood my mother more than I do right now. She would be ringing her hands together as my brother and I would get into our all out battles. "Please don't fight" with desperation in her voice. I understand now how much it must have hurt her to see her two children fighting. But as quickly as we fought is as quickly as we would be off playing some other game or figuring out where we were going to next. The life of sibling is complex yet so simple when you connect to the fact you are made from the same things. You are close as two human beings can get. You are born to be each others best friend.
This makes me reflect on when my son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. I was doing everything in my power to help him but I had instances that I felt how is this fair for my daughter. Would she ever have that typical sibling relationship? I knew that she loved her brother and he just adored her. His big brown eyes would follow her around the room. My daughter quickly caught on to the fact that her brother was a little different. I always battled with what I should tell her and when I should tell her. She would often sit in on his therapy sessions and would watch as the therapist would prompt him to answer there questions. She learned to use the same techniques with him. She would say "You want to play with me..say Yes!!" and so he would look at her and say "yes". She figured out her way to have her brother in her life. In the beginning it was just her dictating what he would do and most of the time he did it or he would have a complete melt down. As I am writing this I just realized how COMPLETELY "normal" that was. Isn't it always the older sibling telling the younger on what to do until the younger one figures out there "voice" and starts saying "NO". That is pretty much what happen with my two kids. My daughter will still get frustrated with him but I guess that's life.
She sometimes asks me questions like "Mommy why does he flap his hands". I now tell her his brain just works differently than mine and yours. Everything inside his head gets mixed up and his teachers, Dad and I helping to organize it better. Hands down though his best teacher has been his sister. She comes from such a pure place with him. She just wants her brother and accepts him for who and how he is. She refuses to take less than his best.
He too, has been her best teacher. He taught her that she needs to be patient, kind and that she has to share. He taught her when someone comes over and knocks your building blocks down that you were working on for the past half and hour to...Yes, let be realistic SCREAM and then not give up and start over again.
I couldn't imagine my life without my brother and I know my kids feel the same way. They are blessed to have each other as I am blessed to have them. The following quote sums it all up.
Having an older brother myself I know the feeling. We had many trials and tribulations in our life. We laughed and cried. We fought and celebrated. We had our own language that no one understood except the two of us. He often tortured me as older brothers do and I often got on his nerves as little sisters do. My brother is one of the best parts of my life.
Now here I am a mother of two beautiful children of my own. I never understood my mother more than I do right now. She would be ringing her hands together as my brother and I would get into our all out battles. "Please don't fight" with desperation in her voice. I understand now how much it must have hurt her to see her two children fighting. But as quickly as we fought is as quickly as we would be off playing some other game or figuring out where we were going to next. The life of sibling is complex yet so simple when you connect to the fact you are made from the same things. You are close as two human beings can get. You are born to be each others best friend.
This makes me reflect on when my son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. I was doing everything in my power to help him but I had instances that I felt how is this fair for my daughter. Would she ever have that typical sibling relationship? I knew that she loved her brother and he just adored her. His big brown eyes would follow her around the room. My daughter quickly caught on to the fact that her brother was a little different. I always battled with what I should tell her and when I should tell her. She would often sit in on his therapy sessions and would watch as the therapist would prompt him to answer there questions. She learned to use the same techniques with him. She would say "You want to play with me..say Yes!!" and so he would look at her and say "yes". She figured out her way to have her brother in her life. In the beginning it was just her dictating what he would do and most of the time he did it or he would have a complete melt down. As I am writing this I just realized how COMPLETELY "normal" that was. Isn't it always the older sibling telling the younger on what to do until the younger one figures out there "voice" and starts saying "NO". That is pretty much what happen with my two kids. My daughter will still get frustrated with him but I guess that's life.
She sometimes asks me questions like "Mommy why does he flap his hands". I now tell her his brain just works differently than mine and yours. Everything inside his head gets mixed up and his teachers, Dad and I helping to organize it better. Hands down though his best teacher has been his sister. She comes from such a pure place with him. She just wants her brother and accepts him for who and how he is. She refuses to take less than his best.
He too, has been her best teacher. He taught her that she needs to be patient, kind and that she has to share. He taught her when someone comes over and knocks your building blocks down that you were working on for the past half and hour to...Yes, let be realistic SCREAM and then not give up and start over again.
I couldn't imagine my life without my brother and I know my kids feel the same way. They are blessed to have each other as I am blessed to have them. The following quote sums it all up.
You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. - Desmond Tutu
Monday, July 16, 2012
Voices in My Head..
The voices in my head...Yes!! There are voices in my head and sometimes they drive me crazy!! I signed my kids up for swimming lessons. This should be a fairly simple thing for most people but the voices in my head started up "Should I tell them that my son has autism?...If I don't tell them and he acts out, what will they think" This is a scenario that is often played out in my head. When we first moved to our "new" home I was contemplating ...should I tell the neighbors about him or should I not. Then I think well if I tell them will they treat him differently but if I don't will they wonder why I am always so paranoid when we are sitting on our front porch. Fear can be my worst enemy.
Those voices in my head have done great things for me too, like knowing my son needed help early on. The thing I am working on lately is how to filter the good from the bad. Listening to what will move and forward my life into the direction that I want to go. I also am human and sometimes allow the fear to take over. It was possibly the first few weeks we moved into our home and I was so worried about my son wandering off . I saw our "new" neighbor and went to introduce myself and the first thing I blurted out was "my son has Autism so if you happen to see him wandering off please stop him". You can only imagine what was going through my head in the instance the words came out of my mouth. I came home and told my husband "well the neighbor thinks I am crazy so there goes our kids social life". Needless to say I have since learned to filter my thoughts before they come out of my mouth especially in front of new people.
So this past weekend we were waiting to start our first swimming lesson and I held myself from telling the instructor about my son. He did awesome and for that fact so did I. The thing I am coming to terms with is who am I trying to protect by telling people about my son. The truth is me!! He is perfectly content being who he is. It is my ego that wants to tell people before they look to judge us. I need to start having more faith in people. I am also learning to not be so affected by what others may think. The fact is pre-children I was the person who would look at a parent in the store with their screaming child and think "they have no clue what they are doing". Fast forward today and that's me the parent with the screaming children...and so the saying goes "until you have walked in my shoes don't judge".
The thing is we all do that, we see someone and automatically place a label on them. We really don't know what is going on in their world. So, today I am choosing to smile and feel confident with humanity. When I hear the "Voices in my Head" I will stop for a moment and listen. I will do my best to distinguish fear from truth. I will allow things to play out before I try to "fix" them. I know this doesn't mean people will stop judging us, but I will just be there to help them understand.
Those voices in my head have done great things for me too, like knowing my son needed help early on. The thing I am working on lately is how to filter the good from the bad. Listening to what will move and forward my life into the direction that I want to go. I also am human and sometimes allow the fear to take over. It was possibly the first few weeks we moved into our home and I was so worried about my son wandering off . I saw our "new" neighbor and went to introduce myself and the first thing I blurted out was "my son has Autism so if you happen to see him wandering off please stop him". You can only imagine what was going through my head in the instance the words came out of my mouth. I came home and told my husband "well the neighbor thinks I am crazy so there goes our kids social life". Needless to say I have since learned to filter my thoughts before they come out of my mouth especially in front of new people.
So this past weekend we were waiting to start our first swimming lesson and I held myself from telling the instructor about my son. He did awesome and for that fact so did I. The thing I am coming to terms with is who am I trying to protect by telling people about my son. The truth is me!! He is perfectly content being who he is. It is my ego that wants to tell people before they look to judge us. I need to start having more faith in people. I am also learning to not be so affected by what others may think. The fact is pre-children I was the person who would look at a parent in the store with their screaming child and think "they have no clue what they are doing". Fast forward today and that's me the parent with the screaming children...and so the saying goes "until you have walked in my shoes don't judge".
The thing is we all do that, we see someone and automatically place a label on them. We really don't know what is going on in their world. So, today I am choosing to smile and feel confident with humanity. When I hear the "Voices in my Head" I will stop for a moment and listen. I will do my best to distinguish fear from truth. I will allow things to play out before I try to "fix" them. I know this doesn't mean people will stop judging us, but I will just be there to help them understand.
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